#31
Social agencies and church clothing centers can care for
a person without caring about them.
It takes time to grow the relationship between lay pastors and the people in their flocks. Examples from nature help to understand this: Mushrooms grow overnight. Oak trees take years. Dolls are made in an hour. Babies take nine months.
One of those things take time to grow is a relationship. Do you remember that pastoral care take place in a relationship? A personal connection between the lay pastor and the members of his or her flock is what makes caring initiatives effective. The more mutual the connection, the more effective the caring. And it is the mutuality of the connection that takes time. Social agencies and church clothing centers can care for a person without caring about them. Lay pastors cannot care about a person without also caring for them. Caring for them flows out of caring about them. Caring for people can be very impersonal. Programs, even church programs, can be carried out without caring about people. It is the personal relationship that makes lay pastors “ministers.” Paraphrasing a hackneyed political charge sharply focuses the personal connections within which pastoral care take place: “It’s the relationship, stupid.” And bona fide relationship take time. Relationships are like oaks and babies; not like mushrooms and dolls. God provides the beginning of life in the seed for the oak, in the embryo for the baby, and in the first contact a lay pastor makes with his or here people. Think of that acquaintance contact being the embryo of the relationship. All three growths (oak, babies, relationships) result from a day-by-day infusion of critical elements. Oak require a dependable infusion of water, air, sunlight and more. Babies require a dependable infusion of nutrients from the mothers. Relationships require a dependable infusion of a least eight elements:
CHARACTER You are what you really are, not your persona.
INTEGRITY You do what your brochure says you will do: P. A. C. E.
PRESENCE 90% of pastoral care is just showing up.
FRIENDSHIP After a contact: “I really like my lay pastor.”
ACCEPTING No reservations about loving people God loves.
EMPATHY “My lay pastor understands what I’m going through.”
ENCOURAGEMENT An affirming hug, prayer, compliment, and more.
REALISM Patience, prayer and perseverance are required.
Mutuality in relationships take place at different speeds. Each relationship is unique. Each quality, endurance and timing is one-of-a-kind. Accept the uniqueness with love and without partiality. Peter, James and John were closer to Jesus than the other nine, but he loved all twelve equally. One relationship turned sour (Judas) but Jesus continued His side of the relationship anyway. Accept people where they are, who they are, and however they respond to your caring initiatives. To the degree you accept people, sooner or later they will accept you. And a relationship will develop. Give it time because “some things take time.”●
(Audion/Byeong) Dr. Melvin said that some things take time. Yes, we know it. Especially to get and grow the relationship between people, you and others. He said some illustrations: for instance, mushrooms grow overnight. Oak trees take years. Dolls are made in an hour. Babies take nine months, so on. One of those things takes time to grow is a relationship. The relationships between you and others. The Relationship between the pastor and his congregation takes time to know, to trust, and to rely on each other. I have done this ministry for almost 25 years, from Institute, Training Center, overseas ministry, school overseas. We need to trust each other for a long relationship, so we need to be careful to keep this relationship which means to trust each other. Anyway, these issues are more responsibility on us than anyone else.
COMMENTS
in relation to Some Things Take Time
Asui Shingnai, Nagaland, says:
As you have asked me to say a few things about PACE let me share my opinion in brief what I think PACE is all about.
In my opinion PACE is like an institution for lay pastors just as seminaries are for the theologians. But unfortunately, there are many pastors who cannot afford to attend the seminaries and so there are so many lay pastors who are taking care of their churches.
But as they have no knowledge of how to lead their churches, there are so many churches just laying as a lifeless three without bearing any fruit, and for such churches PACE is the answer.
PACE is the right platform for the lay pastors from where they can learn and equip themselves for their ministry, because I believe that, PACE is a ministry for training the Lay pastors. PACE can teach them how to take care of the church administration, how to train the deacons and elders of their church and also how to motivate their church members. In short, PACE is a blessing in disguise for those churches who are led by a lay pastor.
In conclusion, as PACE ministry train the lay pastors, I think it is very important to let them know that, PACE ministry is and will be praying for them, PACE ministry will always be available for them, PACE ministry will be contacting them, or they can contact the PACE ministry at any time and that, PACE ministry will always try to teach them good examples as our Lord Jesus did during His three years earthly ministry.■
Byeong, Melvin University, says:
Which characters do you prefer? And why? Can people accept Lay pastoring? Those were questions and assumptions once College Hill Presbyterian Church (CHPC) in Ohio and Melvin’s team started this ministry! It was suspicious once LPM Korea started this ministry almost 20 years ago. We had same questions, but it was a little easier to overcome these barriers because Korean churches were more ready to accept lay ministry than other countries. Already a couple of para-church ministries arrived into Korea and also sprung up internally in those days: Especially Cell ministry, NCD (Natural Church Development), CAL (Called Awaken Laity). Mostly focused on the lay ministry. One day I met the national leader of NCD in Korea by chance, so we told each other that we are on the same boat.
Anyway Lay Pastors Ministry is definitely one of the lay ministries. How to succeed? Melvin stressed that the first is to make a Ministry Leadership Group. Once Melvin made this group, 15 laypeople and 2 clergy (Melvin plus one more pastor). As you see, not too many pastors are involved in the leadership group. This is a kind of lay ministry, so it’s better to be mainstream with laypeople, if not, they feel they are outsider, or marginal, so never gone for ownership which means they don’t put totally themselves in this ministry then finally it becomes mediocre or fades away slowly.
He advised 8–10 people is a good number, so LPM Korea maintained the number of staff all the way. It was an excellent system. If there are less than 8, it is not enough to activate energy to run the ministry and if there are more than 12, it’s difficult to make one mind for some issue.
In the case of LPM Korea, we mixed half pastors and half laypeople. Because traditionally we pastors are respected by lay people, and also pastors’ decisions are credentialed by them. Of course in that situation, the hierarchy system has problems in terms of Lay Ministry, and so lay people are not developed enough, and this is true.
Anyway, for a while pastors were the leading group everywhere, but slowly I and our team have learned from LPM USA which is more ownership with lay people, and just a couple of pastors were advisory in the group, mostly the spirit of LPM USA led by lay people.
Then they have done a “pilot project” for 6 months: just selected 5 laypeople from themselves, e.g., from the Ministry Leadership Group so they do care for 5–10 people on each which means approximately 4–10 are people involved in PACEing. Can you guess what happened after 6 months? In one case, Charles thought first that to care for only 6 months, but he has done continually 7 years until he died; Person, the care-receiver of Charles, finally became caregiver, e.g., being a lay pastor. He received PACE from Charles, now he is caring with PACE to the others. It is a natural phenomenon if we do it appropriately.
It happens everywhere in the Lay Pastors Ministry in the world. Let’s say in our case, LPM Korea: longevity; transformed. In our staff, most of us were in this ministry for more than 10 years. Without any special case, they have done running to the finish line. That is true. Even still, 15 years old, we are still here. That is longevity. Many ministries don’t go for that long. Usually they closed and ended in a few months, the longer one is in a few years, not over 10 years with the same vision, same people, same team, same effectiveness.
And we have changed a lot individually, in groups as well. We have grown up spiritually, academically, also in ministry through doing and involving in this ministry. Not only our National team, but also local church’s pastors and their lay pastors. How do they do? They were concentrating in this ministry, which means trial; error continually, and they are growing each other, lay pastors and their pastor. Also, their congregation sees with their own eyes what’s going on in the church due to this ministry. So continually they are pushing forward this ministry. Sometimes they forget but never forget P.A.C.E itself.■
ADDITIONAL COMMENT
by BYEONG
The perfect one or the right direction?: Rev. Melvin once talked about this, but in fact, we humans cannot be complete. But he had said that if we’re going in the right direction, that’s fine. We tend to be “perfect” to do something. Of course we can do it perfectly, and it could be the best. But I don’t think we should think too much about that.
And if we focus on perfection, we may not be able to achieve it, just as we would like to have a perfect speaking in English. Most of the time we learn spoken English, and we have that experience.
I had a friend who majored in English in the seminary, and he always tried to perfect English grammar. So whenever he talks to Americans, he only think about becoming a perfect grammar. It’s kind of funny, but the American who stood in front of him ran away without waiting while he was thinking too much about grammar. Do you think it’s an exaggeration? It’s true.
Once we try to do something, we just think we have to do it perfectly, if so we can’t move forward. That’s why it seems unwise to focus on the idea of “doing it perfectly.” Because of the limitation of human beings, it cannot be done perfectly at once. When we look at books about leadership, most of them don’t talk about perfection in trying something, but they often say, “Just try a lot of things, choose what works out.” This is not 100% correct, but it makes some sense.
To start must be decided by the personally. In this case, with the exception of two or three key members, almost all are skeptical or opposed. In my case it was. People around me were almost skeptical when I started the university in Kenya. Opposition, but expression was skeptical and pessimistic. If I have hesitated at the time, the work could not have been accomplished at all,
We’d better get started. This is because we have to start to proceed. After we started, we couldn’t stop it. It became an unstoppable situation. And once we started, we felt the urge to keep going, and we kept going. In fact, not only myself, but also people around me now encouraged me to continue the project. In doing so, an unstoppable amount of energy was applied. The so-called momentum has gained.
And I found that there was no need to worry too much about the speed of progress. There are short and long distances in running races, too! Sometimes like a sprinter, sometimes like a marathoner, or sometimes a little slow. However, it is important to proceed.
In the end, how important is it to get started rather than to get fully prepared! And if we keep going in that direction, we’ll get there, even if we go a little slower. That is how our Melvin University was completed. This is because the direction was correct, not the pursuit of perfection.
윈윈(win-win)이 최상인가?
사업이나 직장이나, 윈윈(win-win)은 누구나 다 추구하는 것이고, 또한 그것이 최상이라고 생각하고 또 가르치기도 한다. 그런데 그게 사실인가?
성경에서 보면 예수님 윈윈하셨는가? 예수님은 십자가에 달려 희생하심으로 lose-win구도를 만드셨지 않는가. 나는 희생되고 저들은 살리고. 즉 저들이 잘되고, 만족하고, 상처를 안 받는다면 오히려 lose-win이 맞지 않는가? 내가 꼭 이겨야만 하는가.
케냐에 와서 학교운영을 운영해가면서 느끼는 것인데 끊임없는 협상, 끊임없는 양보가 있어야 함을 계속하여 나 자신에게 인지시키고 있다.(auto-suggestions).
현재로서는 두 가지에 도전을 느끼고 있다. 외적으로는 전 세계에서 이 학교를 바라보는 재정적인 후원자들이다. 또 하나는 내적으로 학교의 직원들, 대학위원회 등..계속적인 도전의 연속이다. 이런 상황에서 win-win, win-lose, lose-win 세 가지 옵션이 있겠다. 내가 죽어야 남이 산다는 개념은 너무 식상한 것인가?
최상은 윈윈.그러나 이것은 이상에 불과. 다음 옵션은 절충 50:50으로 가는 것이다. 양쪽 각각이 100% 만족이 안 되고 50% 만족에 마무리. 그러나 공유된 진행에는 100% 에너지 헌신으로..
결국 lose-win, 즉 “내가 져야지 그가 이기게 된다”는 결론에 도달했다. 그러니까 win-win은 어떤 측면에서는 듣기 좋은 슬로건에 불과할 수가 있다.
주는 자가 갖는 것이다. 밀알이 땅에 떨어져 죽으면 산다. 이타주의(other-centered) 는 말이 여기서 필요할까!
나는 오래전에 임상목회훈련(CPE)을 받은 적이 있는데 (지금은 여기 학생들께 훈련하고 있는 처지가 됐지만), 그 당시 대부분의 학생들이 이기주의(self-centered)에 빠져있음을 우리의 지도교수 (supervisor) 께서 지적한 바 있었다. 특히 caring ministry에서는 이타주의가 절대적인 것을 느끼곤 했다.
이타주의란 무엇인가? I am a looser, you are a winner! 내가 진다는 것은 쉬운 일이 아니다. 여기 대학위원들과 최근에 이런 얘기를 나눈 적이 있었다. 내가 looser가 되기로 결정했다 하니 깜짝 놀라는 눈치들 이었다. 나의 결단이 생각 밖이었다는 표정들이었다.
그렇다. 지고(lose) 산다는 것은 엄청난 일이긴 하다. 그러나 다른 한편으로 생각해보면 진다고 해서 내게 큰 피해가 오는가? 단지 자존심에 상처만 좀 날뿐이다. 그것도 내가 선택한 상처이니 감수할 수 있다고 본다.
이길려고 애쓰는데 에너지를 사용하기보다, 더 건설적이고 더 생산적인 일/사역에 집중하는 게 지혜로운 자의 자세가 아닐까. 이기고 지는 문제가 아니라 주어진 사역에 더 효과적이고 성공적이 되도록 애쓰는 것이 필요함을 재삼 느낀다. 중요치 않은 일에 관심 갖게 하는 비효과적인 유혹들이 항상 주위에 맴돌고 있다.
무한한 협상, 양보하고 또 지는 것(lose), 얼마든지 감수해야 한다고 본다. 대를 위해서는 어쩔 수 없음을 인지하고!!
그러나 나 아닌 다른 사람들 사이에서는 서로가 윈윈이 되도록 리더는 지도하고, 또 그렇게 되도록 상호중재도 해주는 게 좋다고 본다. 너와 나의 관계에서는 비록 lose-win 관계가 필요하지만, 제3자들 사이에서는 윈윈이 되도록 해주는게 리더자의 도리라고 봐진다.●